just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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