Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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