why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
