I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
