I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
