I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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