sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Randomize
