Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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