maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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