Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
