my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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