My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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