I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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