tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
