everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
