The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
