but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
