theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
