i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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