I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
