The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
