I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
