I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize