Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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