This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize