I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
