Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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