she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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