My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
