New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
