Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
party gras won. party gras always wins.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
