I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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