PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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