my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
