yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
