"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
