Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize