she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
