I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
