Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
