So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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