Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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