My nipple is on Facebook.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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