do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He passed out mid-signature
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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