I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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