I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
