I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
