meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize