lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
