you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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