Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Princesses don't give blow jobs
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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