i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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