she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
