Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
