you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
