I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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