We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
