I haven't been this sober since birth.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
